They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
