I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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