I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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