So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
