Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
