She is in my trunk
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
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