Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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