I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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