I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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