Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
