Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
