when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
