Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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