there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
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I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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