when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
