I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
