remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
