i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
