Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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