just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
