if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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