When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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