I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
