the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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