Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
