Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I think my moral compass just broke
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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