did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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