walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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