what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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