Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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