found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
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