I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
