I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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