I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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