please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
