I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
