Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
