i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
if only i could text you this smell
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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