god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
