My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Randomize
