Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
