so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
