i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
