I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
