I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
