we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
