I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
