You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
