my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
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