I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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