I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.