This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
