I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize